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Discussion > Off-Topic > Daaaaah

Daaaaah

Boum (December 12th, 2002, 1:03 am)

Hey, hi!

I just learned about this place from DA (well, duh)... and thought I'd join... because I do write when I have free time. :3 (I should say "I do TRY to write". English is my second language, and it unfortunately shows. Damn syntax.)

Well, that's it---just thought I'd say hello. I'm off to explore what this site has to offer now.

Cool!

Narainsbrain (December 12th, 2002, 3:59 am)

Welcome, make yourself at home!

Why don't you post some writing you've done - you'll have to post into the fora, maybe right here, but try not to post something huge ;) - so we can see what you're made of, so to speak. =) And if Cruise likes it he'll make you a full writing member.

Meanwhile, enjoy the site! There's lots of stuff to browse through, have a look around. It's all good. =)

cruise (December 12th, 2002, 10:49 am)

Indeed...nice to see somebody joining in :P

Don't worry about English being your second language...it hasn't seemed to hinder Eldritch any :P

Boum (December 12th, 2002, 2:18 pm)

Some writing I've done, hmm... I only have a huge story divided into chapters XD And my characters all have dumb Japanese names because this story of mine first was a manga, but when I got tired of anime (who doesn't) I switched to writing instead... but I kept the old names... hmmm...

I think I'll just post the beginning of the first chapter then. :)

-----

The sound of hesitant steps was the only thing echoing everywhere in the sombre cavern; that, and maybe the shivery breath of those who were blindly marching between the stalagmites. Each step they made immersed them in an even deeper obscurity, and at one point it was so thick that they almost could palp it with the tip of their fingers.

A loud feminine voice broke the silence: “Dammit, I can’t see a thing now.” Those words, that had been uttered without any warning, made her partner jump; he was so concentrated on where he was landing his feet that a simple remark like this one was enough to startle him. He looked into his colleague’s direction, even if he could not distinguish her silhouette.

— Maybe the Drainers are scared of the light, stated he, realizing how shaky his voice was.

— Oh, pu-lease, replied the woman, almost holding back a laugh; he felt her searching into the bag that he had on his shoulders. If they fear light, then just tell me why they’re not scared of us, huh?

Abstaining from saying another word, the lad took this occasion to wipe off the sweat that was already rolling down his forehead. What was he doing there? He barely had an idea. He at least knew that this mission would be his last one, and how happy was he to leave this demented organization.

Oko Taneke was twenty-four years old. Two years back, he had learned about the founding of a rebel group called the Alliance, which was supposedly created to “free humanity” from something that was not specified in the article. What was particularly interesting about this was that once you were hired, the Alliance provided you with free shelter and food in exchange of your complete devotion for the planet. Oko was far from being a courageous man, but he had admitted to himself that the offerings were tempting. Thinking that it would be his lifesaver, he enrolled in the Alliance, but he soon regretted his act when he learned what was threatening the human race—and the entire planet, for that matter.

The Alliance’s target was a species called Drainers, somewhat cousins of the elf race that populated a part of Gaia. The main difference was that, contrarily to the elves, the Drainers were not friendly and had a certain taste for blood and murder. What was especially annoying about them was that, apart from being soulless killers, they were so quick and deadly that they were hardly touchable, which gave them the reputation of being immortal. That was top secret Alliance information, since no one but this enclosed group knew about the very existence of the Drainers, not even the highest ranked in the Gaian human hierarchy.

Oko soon pleaded Hanshou—the Alliance’s founder, a smart business man who accidentally discovered the Drainers during one of their numerous visits at the domes—to let him quit, promising that he would not unveil anything concerning the dreaded species. Even if the Alliance was in great need of new recruits, Hanshou told him that he would be able to go, only if he took part of the next mission which targeted the Ikioi, the supposed power source of the Drainers, which was hidden in a cavern, inside the domes. The objective was to destroy it if possible. That was how Oko found himself trapped in this black hole, with a woman he despised because of her abusive use of her higher rank.

-------

I guess that's enough for now :3

Boum (December 12th, 2002, 2:22 pm)

Eeeek... after reading it, it suddenly sounds so OLD. I've written this more than a year ago, but I'm working on the story itself since soon five years. Restarted that chapter about ten times. Finished the story until chapter 40, then decided to start over. I now am writing chapter 18. :3

I'm sure it's full of syntax errors, but I can't see them; my English skills are very limited because they are almost completely self-taught. Some people sometimes told me they'd correct it but they never did. T_T

Bah. ;)

Well..

cruise (December 12th, 2002, 4:47 pm)

it's not too shabby a start. It is obvious that English isn't your first language, but not /that/ obvious, which is good :P

My main comment? "Show, don't tell" :P I've lost count of how much I've had to type that the last couple of days (doing a major review read at dA)...it is one of more common failings of early writers. Don't explicitly tell us the background story, etc. etc. but explain it through dialogue within the story, the way people react, background news-stories, etc. Fit it into the story, rather than breaking the immersion with a section explanation.

I think this might be the topic of my next tutorial :P

Oh, and for future reference, this stuff is what the "Writing Class" forum is for :P Soon as I get around to writing the admin controls, I'll move the thread...

Well..

Boum (December 12th, 2002, 11:55 pm)

Yeah, I understand what you mean... it seems I've acquired that a bit with time because the newest chapters "show" more than they "tell" :)

I'm sorry about posting this here :P

So...

Narainsbrain (December 13th, 2002, 4:48 am)

Say Cruise, haven't you moved threads before? I seem to recall you doing that, long back... Ah well, what do I know.

Anyhow, Boum, Cruise is right about explaining the setting. The story was flowing very well right up until that long explanation began.

Cool that you've picked it up yourself with time; explaining the background is a very unsatisfying way to write, isn't it?

cruise (December 13th, 2002, 10:03 am)

Yeah, but I have to do it manually...in the DB with loads of had-written SQL :P

Welcome!

Hellkeepa (December 13th, 2002, 7:10 pm)

HELLo!

Better get this one back on topic, eh? ;-)

Hope you'll stay here for a long time, and be a valuable asset for this community. Don't let me, or anyone else here, scare you off: We're harmless, unless you meet us in IRL. ;-ţ

Happy fraggin'!

Welcome!

Boum (December 14th, 2002, 12:02 am)

I indeed don't really like to explain stuff in the middle of the story, but sometimes it's needed...

I'll try to watch out for this stuff from now on :P

Welcome!

Eldritch (December 15th, 2002, 11:34 pm)

Erm...Hello. So...French Canadian. Welcome! It's never been a bother the fact that Spanish is my first language...SO no problem with French being yours =P

Discussion > Off-Topic > Daaaaah

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