(December 13th, 2002, 2:22 pm)
Okay, so this is my story. My angels aren't the typical, wthite dress and aura
type, but...bah, you'll see. This is the only part that I thought was worth of showing and it ain't that good so please.... don't hit me.
Those two never really liked each other but Zhankiel was smart enough not to answers to such remarks. He only kept staring at my roommate with evil eyes. But when the conversation switched to my meeting with Yui, both were on the same side: the one mocking me.
-And he was so shocked when I arrived that his wings were all floppy, said the Seraphim between two bursts of laughter.
-I can picture the scene, added Mivelris, taking off his shirt. Blimey, is it ever hot in here!
I crossed my arms and waited for their conversation to wear out. They kept making up scenarios of wedding between me and Yui and the more I heard them talk, the more it hurt: it wasn’t the little mockeries –they weren’t evilly-intended—but I was realising how hollow my life was. I had no one to share it with, my job brought me no satisfaction and I felt like I was going to stay a loser for the rest of my existence.
-I’m going out, I moaned, taking both of them by surprise.
I grabbed my glasses and took off before having to answer questions. I just wanted to free my mind, to get away from that suffocating city. I knew that the city stopped for a few hours to recharge the invisibility and the floatation mechanism so it left me enough time to visit the surface for a while. Flying at more than four kilometres above the ground was a thrilling feeling; I let myself drop for a few hundred metres before slowing up my descent to explore the surroundings. A luxurious tropical forest was spread out under my feet and I couldn’t see its end. I landed in a little clearing and let myself fall on the thick and soft ground covered by leaves and humus, my wings opened on each side of my body . I closed my eyes, put my hands on the back of my head and let all of the noises of the forest fill me: a bird was singing on a regular note somewhere far away; a water source was running near with a soft lapping sound; the entire forest was filled with whispers and secrets, with distant rumours and hidden places.
I was starting to feel a little better when I heard a cracking sound. I was also struck by a strange sensation; someone was watching me. I stand still for a moment, trying to figure out how any human could venture this far away in the wild and I eventually sat down, scanning the surroundings. What I saw was the last thing I expected.
Ooh suspense! (laughs at self)
(December 13th, 2002, 8:17 pm)
English ain't your first language, yeah?
I'd recommend brushing up a little...notably how to do speech properly :P
My other main comment would be to slow down...co-incidently what my tutorial for this issue of Transference was about :P
(December 14th, 2002, 12:53 am)
What do you mean by brushing up?
(December 14th, 2002, 5:06 am)
Yep, the grammar and style are quite off the mark, as Cruise was hinting at.
I think he meant to get more practice writing in English, read up some good books and try to absorb the style, and stuff like that, you know. It helps a lot.
And read Cruise's tutorial =)
The speech sounds fine in content (there isn't enough of it for any problems to show up anyway). But if you're talking about the punctuation, Cruise, actually I've seen that kind of style before: in James Joyce's Ulysses, no less! =p (Not that I read any more than a couple of pages of it ;)...
(December 14th, 2002, 9:04 am)
I quite liked the conversations, had a hint of "higher class" (antiquity) over it, which I found suitable considering the "race"(?)
However, it does seem to could have benefitted from a little brush-up in general, but quite well written if you ask me. A bit too fast paced though, almost get the feelign that you're "running" through the events. (Typical hollywood action movies stuff in other words. :-ž )
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