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Discussion > Writing Class > New Girl Applicant w/ story

New Girl Applicant w/ story

cyn004 (April 4th, 2003, 4:23 pm)

I want to apply for a writers spot.

Need an example? read on:


A word or phrase formed by reordering the letters of another word or phrase.


Formed by another person.

Honoring her surrogate father, she bares his cryptic name.

Brilliant professor in the Medifield with accolades and algorithmic theorems thought out of sheer nothingness. Genius was an understatement.


His greatest achievement was to raise a child in his own logical likeness. She was that child. Found in the gutter of the outskirts.

Under fed and tattered, like an old stuffed toy nobody wanted. Left in the rain and dried by the sun.

This child.

How he chose her to be his next of kin was never recorded in any national archives. An expensive luxury to be keeping secrets; let alone hiding a child. This legendary man and his gifts to the society, made no public appearances except for a standard public image.

A generic image of a man in a white lab coat and company logo emblazed across the right side of the garment, so no praise can be given to one person but to the whole corporation.

She knew this was true by the age of six.

The same time they noticed that she was ready to be trained.

Like a dream, she remembers his bittersweet voice with heavy German accent…

‘No tears for your papa, give me a big smile instead of these rain drops”

Closing her eyes, She forces the memories of that face. Her mind could only force images she wasn’t sure of, but to take comfort in these thoughts was enough for her.

Her memories could not be sure if he had wider set eyes or a smaller aquiline nose. With a code trade for digital memory therapy she could remember who he was. This day and age, anything could be bartered with good tech and a high-ranking position.

But digital memory therapy was no different then going to a psychic. It was not exact science or reliable.

“Little girl, what is this?”

“It’s my name”

“Can you see my name too?”

“Oh yes papa, I spelt it here”

“Good, you know who you are”


A fitting name for a child who’s was hand picked to be part of his private life, and not a creation of his life’s inventions.


He is closer to her now.

New Girl Applicant w/ story

Hellkeepa (April 8th, 2003, 8:08 pm)


Enthralling! So when's the rest coming? ;-)

I'm pretty sure you get that writers spot you're looking for, but unfortunately it's not my decition to make. You'll have to wait for Cruise to make his appearance here, I don't know who's the other person to talk to though. :-

Happy fraggin'!


cruise (April 8th, 2003, 8:45 pm)

Intriguing, and well written, if a little overly ambiguous for my tastes :P

Any other samples? It's hard to get a real feel for someone just from one snippet...

First impressions are good, however, and we're always on the lookout fro new writers.

At last!

cyn004 (April 9th, 2003, 5:38 pm)

thx guys for the thumbs up! More to come? definately.

Cruise: 'a little overly ambiguous for my tastes '

me: more the reason to convince you my friend :P

and pls. don't spare my feelings on critiquing, the more upfront, the better to fuel my fire!


Hellkeepa: Enthralling! So when's the rest coming? ;-)

me: Gezz, i'm get pretty shy when people like stuff I write, but just for you, I will work to bring you more ;)


It's so tough being a writer/artist/hack/freak... even tougher when you wear heels and try to run with a pack of guys :P

***Special thx to Wanderer! A year of virtuality!!



Narainsbrain (April 10th, 2003, 4:14 pm)

Very intriguing, though (or since?) rather difficult to make sense of... Reminds me of Gyroscope's stuff, and makes me want to read more.

Oh and by the way, a pleasure to make your acquaintance. =)

WARNING and consideration

cyn004 (April 11th, 2003, 6:28 pm)

WARNING::: THIS IS NOT a story I would put up here, however, I am pleading for a spot, so *against* better judgement, I going to be flamebait for a few here.

This short is to show *versitility* and *creative style*

I'm editing the first of three chapters to "Pharl = Anagram". The story first posted was the "Intro."

WHAT I hope will come out of it:

1. Insight in 3D introspective of character/space development and character mindset.

(I consider myself an imagery writer or fireside storyteller. )

2.I think it would help my case here to become a writer on this board to show creativity/visuality/reality.

3. Get over being overly critical of my work and vunerability/fragility of producing work. I've had my share of rejections and tears too.

BUT some people I know here may find the short flakey and maybe harlequin-ish AND will never give me another glance.

That is for you to deciede.

Closing argument:

I do write scifi and non-fic. Erotica is part of my writing background too. I strongly believe an author is capable of writing beyond his/her genera.

Scifi is difficult and yet forgiving. So, toughen me up everyone, this may not be the ride you expected :)

Just humour me for two days before I put up 1/3 chapters of "PHARL=ANAGRAM".


Awake now.

Nothing but darkness.

Ave slowly becomes aware of herself.

Groggily shaking her head back and forth.

Her throat is dry and the air is stale.

Sliding her body across the bed and pushing back the sheets...all in one movement.


The floor has no rug and Ave has no slippers.

"No matter" she thinks to herself.

Forcing her body to accept the cold and fight the urdge to shiver.

Quickly, she walks towards the bathroom.

It's dark. She fumbles for the light switch. Lived in the building for two years and yet Ave would have to feel the walls first to find that little plastic nub.

Click click

click click

"The bulb must be out" Ave thinks aloud. The bathroom echos her thought. The sound of her voice sounds heavy but hollow.

Standing there, looking into the ink black room. By now she has forgotten about the cold tile under her feet.

Curious. "How dark can it be?"

Ave steps into the washroom. Her eyes adjust slowly. Little white lights dance infront of her eyes for a momment. Seconds later, her eyes adjust and now her night vision kicks in. The bathroom isn't completely dark now. Sillouettes of things on her bathroom counter are somewhat visable.

Ave stands infront of the mirror, barely seeing the reflection of her face. But it is her and her hand caressing her check validates this.

Picking up the glass nearest to the cold water tap, Ave fills it to the lip...overflowing. She downs it in one breath. Her throat and lips are quenched and the sensation fills her body with chills.

Ave takes a momment to calm herself and procceds to the shower.

Cold, cold

Tiles, like ice, under the soles of her feet, send fast scattered signals all over her body. But the message is the same. It's cold everywhere.

Ave slowly steps into the bath tub. She can feel her self move up; elevation difference from floor to tub.

Desending into another space.

A hollow space; in her tub and soul.

"This is what enclosed feels like or closure"

Ave is now summing up what she feels.

This is strange, to be so intimate and alone.

Feel around, tips to steel

Ave closes her eyes and reaches for the shower knob.

Silly, why close her eyes, she is enveloped by the darkness.

Aves emotional perception brings anticipation.


The water hits her feet and brings a shock. Ebbs of emotion and fear flow over her naked body. From cold to warm, Ave adjusts to the temp. of the water.

Then when the calm sets in, she pulls the cold knob and the water, like rain, fall.

Falling, is now the new sensation.

Re-incarnated. All, everything, today, yesterday, desolves into the nothingness that surrounds her.

The water purified Ave. Feeling a different feel. Her hands trying to wipe the water from her face, just to find it spitting back, with out resistance.

She runs her hands down the length of ther body. The water runs over her fingers as she touches her bare legs. Her long black hair hangs over her face, Ave feels as if she is behind a waterfall now, just dark sheets of water, pouring inches away from her eyes.

Whatever her movement to stop this motion, it adaptes and flows. Ave stands still and allows the it to run.


Streams pour down her back. Little trickles of water

fall from all places and pools below her feet. Like the rivers and falls, Ave is the land and the waters are the life force.

Darkness was the uninvited guest that she welcomed.

Veiled her in a private shower of emotion and trust.

Ave, alone and the dark provides itself as a friend.

As the world didn't exist except for the water and her body.

Heaven in Darkness, the sweetest of contradiction.

Quite was the feeling, inner peace.

The steam of the bath rose around Ave, she felt it. The moist heat made her sweat. This brought another gift. Little bumps on her skin and her nipples protruding from the combination of heat and warm water. A mosaic of Sexual pulses run below and above her. This causes a stir of excitement to this private

garden of touch and feel.

Ave touches herself intimatly and begins to revile in the orchestra of delights and sweet tensions.

Then lights came on.

Ave can now see.

Here's a tidbit to tie you over

cyn004 (April 11th, 2003, 6:41 pm)

If you survived that (above) here's a small one:


::white noise

:::rainy days


:::a childs laughter heard above street level noise

Read, read, read, read....type, type, type

::A mind fuck like no other:::

::Mutual understanding without needing reason:::

:::To move though virtual space without confinement

::::Body stationary, rapid eye movement


:::: My mind is dancing

Oh, heck! I just wanna publish a book & sk8t all day long.

Here's a tidbit to tie you over

cyn004 (April 11th, 2003, 6:41 pm)


i like it :)

Wanderer (April 11th, 2003, 7:35 pm)

Wow, i really like that ave story. There's a great warmness in it (or at least i read it like that) that i much prefer.

Coincidentally, my winamp was playing a song that fitted with the story perfectly. *cheers to multimedial experiences* :)


cruise (April 12th, 2003, 10:12 pm)

Yeah, I like...perhpas a little awkward at the end with some of the euphamisms, but the rest is so tenderly done that's just be picky really :P

I want to get somefeedback from everyone else, but that's usally a formality :P


Semirrahge (April 13th, 2003, 8:31 pm)

Fascinating. I'm not sure I actually like it - because I couldn't really understand it. Or, maybe there's not anything to understand and I'm trying to hard.

Anyhow, I like the fact that it's written almost entirely in metaphor and simile. That's very very cool.

You do have some spelling errors, however: *uhh*

/me suddenly realises he's missed a huge part of the thread and feels stupid

Ok. THERE we go. :) THAT was much better. :)

Skipping my normal habit of supremely nit-picking, I say we give her a slot, guys. Contrary to her opinion, I feel she's got talent and that story certainly doesn't suck. It's got a very neat POV and voice that, while not done perfectly, nonetheless is very intriguing. And I'm getting nitpicky again, so I'll shut up and take my shower that I've been trying to take for the last 1.5 hours. :)

Oh, yeah, and Wanderer - I REALLY LIKE THAT SONG! Man. Sw33tn3z! :P

And if I may insert a very blatant plug here - cyn004, you might check out my "Musical Visions" stories; "Beloved" and "My Weakness". That's my visual style. :) Too bad I'm too lazy to write more.


Eldritch (April 13th, 2003, 10:49 pm)

Btw, I'm the other guy to talk to :D A bit confusing... I'd say a bit hard to follow as well. I do like the use of single-sentence paragraphs so often, gives it a "stoppy"(don't mind me :P) feel.

Whew! I feel good :)

cyn004 (April 14th, 2003, 1:43 am)

Thanks for the comments and critiquing. It is quite encouraging AND productive, seeing that I've been out of the writing loop since the past summer (injury incurred by writing style basher)

Yes! I will take more time & care on grammaticals/spelling errors and improve on my editing skills. The same problems pointed out by prof/editors too.....very hard indeed, b/c I either over edit or under edit.

ANOTHER definate on my list is to find fluidiity in my writing and find the 'gaps' in my stories.

Any advice on how to tackle these problems, let me know!

BUT determined I am (yoda style)

Since I've gotten over the first hump of posting two stories and a quick thought,

I think it be best to just take it one step at a time.

I'll just keep on posting here until something gives (or you guys just get sick of me :P)

Let good work and your insight be the judge of that!

Besides, I'm a hidden treat on the disscusion board >^;^<



uh, this isn't going fast enough...

Wanderer (April 16th, 2003, 8:08 pm)

i know i'm not a writer on here, so i probably have no say in this, but will you let her in allready? ;)


cyn004 (April 16th, 2003, 8:47 pm)

my young padawan will come...and boy, they better be ready!!


cyn004 (April 20th, 2003, 1:32 am)

Lights are dim in the O.R.

"Pharl, Ren."

White ghostly glowing words, ticker across Pharls open


'You we're dreaming again, weren't you? Girl were on in 5 minutes and I can't have these lethargic readings from you."

"I know" Pharl mouths inaudible words.

"Meeting number 47.1 and haven't lost a deal yet, we're hot baby, we're hot" Ren's enthusiasm rolls across Pharls face.

"0.2 isn't going to be easy but I say we'll be able to go home right on time"

"Best be. I'm going to Vegas after this, I need to work another angle"

Pharl smiles

"Isn't this enough gambling for you?" Pharl words quickly.

"It's not my money to keep" Ren’s words scroll instantly as she ends her sentence.

Pharl’s trying to relax now, just a bit. She hates waiting to connect to the Towers central databases. She really dislikes starring at the ceiling. Lying down, strapped, and waiting to make moves, Pharl is trying harder to relax in the O.R., Operations Room, of the Towers. Pharl’s job title is World Trader of the N. American Towers. World Trader’s are the ones who keep everything together, globally connected by a very fine thread.

"Pharl, I'm starting the countdown"


She thinks to herself.

When she took up the job, her professor told her "You know the story, Rumpilstilskin? Well, you’re the spinning maid and the leprechaun in this tale"

The O.R. table is now rotating from the horizontal to the vertical position.

Pharl tenses a bit, this make her anxious.

"Girl, breath slowly, your pulse is going up slightly, relax I'll start up the table, ok"

Pharl winks at Ren. The table is now emitting a low frequency bass line. It runs through Pharl and immediately sooths her nerves. Anticipating the moment she is neurulled into the databases, sometimes it gets her scared. When you’re unconscious for a couple of hours, you too would be a little worried.

The stock market were once runned by hundreds of trader’s world wide, controlling the economy and all countries blood wealth.

“Little ants scurrying around some big floor.”

Pharl’s interpretation of a documentary she once watched in history class.

Soon computers we're introduced to the trading floor, hundreds of worker ants we're no longer needed as computers moved in, becoming the forefront of all trading transactions. The trading pits we're soon abandoned and replaced by mega server rooms, only a hundred of so traders we're needed now to run the show.

As new technology grew so did the worlds problems. Many technologies we're developed over desperate situations regarding national securities. This is the fine thread that Pharl spins; the legacy of the N. American Towers. Neurolled Communications, with only eighty traders worldwide. Pharl is the youngest and one of five female operators or 'surgeons', as everyone lovingly calls them, who work with the OR grind. And just like surgeons, they're out there, try to save lives.

Skilled in the arts of Neurolled Communications, they work in hypnagogia, the realms of lucid dreaming while the computer databases are directly interfaces the hippocampus, the neocortex of the operators brain, allowing all eighty employees to work almost endless hours at the speed of light all in a dreamlike state.

Working trades in seconds compared to the chaos of the old world systems. Yelling and hand gestures, a days struggle to determine one or two points of some company stocks.

There are better ways of deriving order from chaos.

This is the beauty of the O.R. and Neurelled technologies. Being placed in a purgatorious state for 10 hours, the body doesn't know that it has traveled to Hong Kong and back 200 times over in a matter of an hour.

Pharl didn't mind the work, it gave her purpose and some importance to her life. She was a perfectionist of sorts. If she could, she would demand 20 hour shifts rather then 10, but her 'Margined host' couldn't possibly keep up with her demands.

This would be the job of Ren, Pharls ‘Margined host' or Aesthetician, depending who your talking to.

Ren rather be called a magician, but Aesthetician sounds professional and women love professionals.

He came on board the same time Pharl joined. Besides keeping her 'mind' and 'body' in perfect stasis, His job was just to read her bio, brain activities, the physical network traffic inside the department, and plays medic if something was to go wrong. But Ren also watches 'physical' activities going on the world board.

"Pharl, launch time is in 8 minutes, Geneva is ready on board and you'll be next"

White ticker runs across her closed eyes.

Pharl is ready to take off into the ghost world. She feels a cold presence. Ren is preparing the rectangle screen, a gel like rectangle slightly bigger then the O.R. table. It’s exactly fitted to Pharls height.

The rectangle hangs parallel to Pharl and one inch away from her body. The dark gray hanging slab starts to glow, glistening and shimmering. It’s alive, electrical pulses running through the now glowing blue translucent gel rectangle.

Nothing can pry Pharl's mind open without a Nurelled Communication unit. Each unit is designed specifically for each operator. The priceless units are developed the same time a intern is iniciated into the operator program. Unit development is customised to each intern. It's almost an intimate moment for an operator to go under for the very first time. Pharl was estatic.

Ren starts to run the sequence, decrypting the new codes of the day.

"I'll see you later girl"

The cold instantly envelopes Pharl’s body. Ren on the other side reading her bios.

"Perfect temperature, heart rate is slightly elevated but normal, breathing is normal, and REM is present ."

Ren talks softy to his monitors while typing, giving the first of today’s reports to the Medical department and Head office.

Pharl is no longer awake; at least her body isn't awake.

An avatar is now being projected by Pharl through the gel screen. It’s the Towers generic female presentation avatar. If Pharl had to be at a meeting or to give a report in somebody’s office, this would be the image they saw. It would cause too many security risks if clients found out what Pharl looked like. This generic image avatar became standard after a traveling group of Medifield staff disappeared, later found executed. No one was about to risk their necks out for a meeting again.

Ren types more reports for the department. Pharl's mind begins to connect with the centralized databases of the Towers.

Pharl is dreaming, lucid dreaming. She knows this and looks at her hands. In first person view, she is staring at a bunch of floating screen and keyboards.

Pharl runs through her sequence of code at one of the glowing keyboard.

Pharl’s subconscious is the cold locker for all new crypto and codes. Ren inserts new crypto into the netherworld of Pharl's mind right before he wakes her up. Although intrusive and maybe perverted, Ren likes this part of his job the most and almost finds it fetish like to be 'inserting' stuff in someone elses head. Although Ren has been tempted, it wouldn't be worth lossing his job over. Or her.

Pharl starts to familiars herself to her minds office, it's all triggered when she sees her hands. Pharl knows she's not a coder or crypto master, just a trader, nothing else. In subconscious state, she is exactly the opposite.

Now Pharl waiting for the screens to show her Geneva’s central towers database and for N. American towers for clearance. She types in more data.

Ren looks up from his terminals and watches Pharls fingers tapping the OR table.

He gets up swiftly and grabs some electrical tape. Carefully he tapes down Pharls fingertips to the table.

"You got to lose that bad habit girl"

Ren whispers in Pharls ear.


~revised 2

Love the last line =)

Narainsbrain (April 22nd, 2003, 3:45 am)

Apart from the typos, this is pretty cool, as was the Ave scene... An interesting style you have!

Your habit of line-breaks all over is somewhat disconcerting, but I'm not sure if it's a habit worth losing. Just takes some getting used to.

Oh and I don't know if Cruise has told you, but the council of elders ;) has reached a decision, and you're in! Note the nifty 'member' icon on your user page. =)


cruise (April 22nd, 2003, 12:55 pm)

Again, it's cool, but hard to follow...I hope the linebreaks are just the way you've copy+pasted this in. I think generally you need more explanation...there's a rushed feeling to this, and much of the concepts aren't described in sufficient detail to be easily understandable.

But yeah, I still like it, for some reason :P

REVISED Version above!

cyn004 (April 22nd, 2003, 2:51 pm)

the story was edited (shamefully) once, not even, I glazed through it and it only took me 30 mins. to type. The breaks we're unintentional (blame Word). I had an exam yesterday so my mind was in type mode rather think THEN type mode.

Forgivable yes? As for hard to follow, I agree after reading it...yucky, this is pretty embarassing! BUT thank you grande council of elders, I will not fail you....promise...except on examination more to go.


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