(May 19th, 2003, 8:28 pm)
Carl The Angry Badger Gets Pink Eye
Sunlight shown over the horizon, inching it's fingers of light down through thick blades of grass, and over a hole in the ground which just happened to be the home of a rather mean badger. Always angry at something or other, Carl, the angry badger, had developed some rather interesting wrinkles around his mouth and eyes from frowning so much. Thick, black, and void of fur, these lines made a maze of angry tattoo symbols. Pure anger shouted from every arch and curve. It's a good thing there's always a fairy godbadger to help set things straight. And a curse of the pinks would do just the trick.
Floating on wings of cellophane and gasoline swirls, our fairy godbadger for this tale made her way around this and that, and some stuff that was neither this or that, thus making it just stuff instead. Since she had magic powers, this all was really rather unneccessary, but she hated the impersonal touch of waving her wand while putting back a cold one on the couch. Or at least it made her feel bad enough to get off the couch once or twice a year and do it the old fashioned way. Settling down near the entrance to the badgers hole, she said some magic words and waved her wand and rolled her eyes, before a puff of smoke billowed out of nowhere. Nodding her head with satisfaction, she bleeped back to her house in LA to catch up on some much needed crisp snacking.
Carl awoke, and kept his eyes closed, refusing admittance to a thing as bright and sunny as, well, the sun. He did this every morning, for as long as possible, just to spite the light airyness of it all. He eventually ran into something, and would open them in anger to glare at whatever object happened to have the misfortune of being run into. This morning though, as he tripped over the step up into the kitchen, his angry eyes opened to see that everything was pink. Bright fucking pink. It was like barbie had puked origional bubble gum on everything in sight, or some cheap nail polish company had exploded in his house. Carl decided satan finally lost it and decided to destroy the entire world. Happiness gleemed from everything in site. A hot pink coffee table screamed tea party, and a deeper, more giddy pink bubbled out of the fridgerater in a thick ooze.
Carl wasn't a dumb badger, just an angry one, and he at once fell into convulsions at the thought of everything being pink. Not only was he forced to endure such a vile, hideous color, but at the same time it seemed to void all other colors completely. To see only pink, was to make any other color impossible. One can't imagine bruise purple, or tornado grey, without having such colors in existance. Or at least a combination of colors in existance from which to derive the others. He thought to himself that he would be better off blind, and in a fit of anger looked spasticlly for a knife or something sharp to gouge his eyes out with. Gripping a letter opener, which hadn't been used...ever, he aimed for his left eye and thrusted. The letter opener hit something, but it wasn't his eye. It bounced of something impossible, a little invisable shield in front of his eyes. Madness!! He would now surely go insane. And the world would pay.
Poofing out of nowhere, our fairy godbadger froze Carl where he stood. Shaking her finger at him, she dictated, "Repeat after me, I, Carl, will no longer be mean and angry, or else I will be forced to look at the entire world in pink for all of eternity."
Reluctantly, Carl repeated, and at once everything was back to normal. The drab and dreary colors of his house sprang back in all of there greatness, and Carl rejoiced.
Carl now works at a freak show, allowing people to attempt to poke him in the eye with whatever they wished for a dollar a stab. Their vain attempts bring an evil, yet sincere, smile to his face.
(May 19th, 2003, 9:33 pm)
What the hell do they put in your drinking water were you live? Because it's damn cool stuff, and I want some :D
Definately can see the Adams influence in this, but that's not a bad thing necessarily...very funny, good pacing, lots of excellent description again, and a nicely amusing and suitably cynical ending. I like :P
(May 19th, 2003, 10:48 pm)
They put lots of floride in it, so I don't have to brush my teeth all the time. Other than that...just spend a lot of time doing things other than what you should be. I often find it fun to just pick three random nouns, and then make a story about them. I sometimes post on forums asking people to name three random nouns, and then I write stories for them, using the words they came up with. It's a fun way to get inspiration.
(May 19th, 2003, 10:50 pm)
You know, I always forget to change the title of my posts.
(May 20th, 2003, 12:58 pm)
Man. I agree totally with Cruise.
I find it especially fascinating that you can do effortlessly what I try to do (Ocean Wild; A Kamel Once Bit My Sister; Random Logic) so often and fail miserably... Everytime I try and get this same inanely logical illogic, it either comes across as forced or just silly - or falls flat. Anyhow, enough whining.
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