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Discussion > Feedback > Assuming poetry is allowed...

Assuming poetry is allowed...

Soidanae (February 9th, 2004, 12:33 am)

I have some right here.

It's on the Sci-Fi side.

In the darkness of the sky

a star is shine

and bright enough

to catch mine eye

I look upon it

filled with wonder

and with my mind

the distances sunder

To see a star

my mind begins to drift

and by this star

the planets swirl

Twirling, twirling

ever swirling

strikes me that these worlds are falling

to the sun, but one

It's safe

this greenish orb of life

And on it I find no toil

nor strife

and somehow these men

of earth afar

have lived as we did

'round this yellow star

And this world

it looks so much like ours

I find my eye

to soar above

the cars?

What world is this

that it can be

so much like us

there's one like me!

He's standing upon a hill

Like I

and there he looks to the stars

towards my eye.

Well...

cruise (February 9th, 2004, 10:28 am)

Damn, that's good :P

I like the idea of sci-fi in poetry - my poetry sucks, unfortuntely, or I'd try, but I look forward to seeing more from others :P

One pedantic comment: "a star is shine" - grammatically should either be "a star is shining", or "a star there shines".

Well...

Eldritch (February 9th, 2004, 10:35 pm)

Hah... Couldn't hold off the pedantic comment. Anyway, it's pretty good.. I agree with the pedantic bit though. Still, nice.

Well...

Soidanae (February 10th, 2004, 12:17 am)

I took poetic license-I wanted the first bit to rhyme.

Although...

Damn.

Could have done eyes to rhyme it.

Thanks for the feedback.

Ohh! Cool!

Semirrahge (February 10th, 2004, 4:10 pm)

As the long-timers can attest, I like poetry a lot... I really think this is an excellent attempt. I'd like to offer some tweaks, if I may; nothing major, just changes in word order, different words to enhance the rhythm, things like that.

I like this overall, but the rhythm (meter?) needs some help. Granted, there are no hard and fast rules for this sort of thing, but I've always felt that a poem needs an obvious "beat" to pull it along. It's part of the attraction. IMHO, if you can't DO the rhythm, then write prose - which is, BTW, what I do.

In response to Cruise: Just say "A star DOTH shine", it matches with the irregular use of archaic and modern terms, and REALLY enhances the rhythm.

Copy...

Soidanae (February 10th, 2004, 8:25 pm)

I prefer rhythm too. Never thought of the "doth" idea... post a revised version soon enough.

Copy...

Soidanae (February 10th, 2004, 8:32 pm)

In the sky

a star doth shine

tis bright enough

to catch mine eye

I look upon it

filled with wonder

and by mind

the distance sunder

I see a star

my eye begins to drift

and by this star

swirl planets, swift

Twirling, twirling

ever swirling

strikes me that

these worlds are falling

to the sun

save one

It's safe

this greenish orb

of life

And on it

no toil

nor strife

tis strange

these men

of earth afar

live as we

'round this yellow star

And this world

it looks so much like ours

I tell my eye

to soar above

the cars?

What world is this

that it can be

so much like us?

there's one like me!

He's standing

up on a hill

Like I

and there he looks

to the stars

towards my eye.

Rythm needs bit more work, but this is pretty good.

How about...

Semirrahge (February 12th, 2004, 3:33 am)

"swirl planets, swift

Twirling, whirling

ever swirling"

I didn't like the close repetition in this instance.

Also, in line 5, try a simple "on" instead of the multisyllabic "upon". If you think this is too ordinary, try a re-phrase, using a synonym for "look". I'm deliberately avoiding being too specific here, since nothing is more annoying than having someone write another's poem. I think there are few forms of art as personal as a poem, and me trying to write yours would only end in tears. :)

I really think you've greatly improved it. Keep it up.

So Cruise - what do we do with this, now we've got a poet in our midst?

cruise (February 17th, 2004, 10:57 am)

We get him to post more 'cos they're good :P

Discussion > Feedback > Assuming poetry is allowed...

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