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Winding Time

Siedhr
classifications: Philosophical / Dramatic

one of my stories on DA. The appropriate category would be non-fiction.

During the comunist regime, thousands of people were injustly incarcerated, tortured and brainwashed, just because they tried to speak up. From the ones that survived, some wrote books about their experience, one of them being "Silent Escape" by Lena Constante (she spent 12 years of her life in a prison, most of those years in solitary, not being allowed to speak to anyone). She describes one of the methods of torture: the prisoner is forced to walk the perimeter of a small room, at an even pace for hours on end without pause.

I tried to describe this experience through my story.

It is an homage to all the people who died during those years. May they rest in peace.

Dedicated to all those who haven't forgotten how it was before.

More like this / More by this author

Tomorrow I'll wake up yesterday... and it'll rain, heavy rain with thick, grayish droplets splattered all over the cement in the empty courtyard... or it'll be hot, raging sun peeling the paint from the guard-tower... or it'll be freezing cold, howling wind racing through the cells...

Tomorrow it'll be yesterday, the day after tomorrow it'll still be yesterday, the day after the day after tomorrow it'll be perhaps today or maybe the day before yesterday...

...tack, tack, tack, say my footsteps on the grainy floor as I'm walking the edge, walking the edge until I reach the far wall, then onto the left again tack, tack, say my feet on their way to yet another wall, the one with the small, barred window where I could see some clouds if only they'd let me lift my head and look up, but I reach the second wall before I manage to gather my wits and try to disobey the very clear forever shouted orders and then tack, tack, along the edge going forward, going forward... ignore the guard, stay away from the heavy door, keep head down, don't look at them, don't look at them, just walk, one foot against the other, like a good little girl... and don't sigh or moan or beg or God forbid, speak and steer clear from the slender canes as you tack, tack, walk the edge to the wall over and over and over and...

I know tomorrow will be yesterday because time is not irreversible, it's like a swirling carousel, going round and round and round, sometimes forward, sometimes backward, bright, coloured, twinkling, dizzy little lights running one after another like crazy, hey, stop! STOP!

Perhaps it'll rain or it'll snow and perhaps somewhere, out there little kids are still laughing and playing and racing and walking hand in hand like the teacher told them to... children, stay together, do not get lost, do not run else you might fall and hurt yourselves, do not yell, do not throw food on the floor, be good and quiet ... and then when you grow up, hold onto each other under the blossoming trees and kiss and dance and laugh and be good don't upset the neighbors, don't drink or swear, study hard, memorize those poems... fall in love and get married, work hard for your kids, save money and go to the beach, get a tan, be happy, but don't get out of line, just stay there hand in hand and be productive and obedient, don't raise your head, don't raise your head, don't look up, I SAID DO NOT LOOK UP!

...tack, tack, my feet carry me to the wall, careful no to touch the bricks with my elbows, keep hands clenched together behind my back, hold hands, hold steady, hold gaze firm on the tip of your toes, don't speak because you don't know the word, that word that would make them see, make them feel what you feel, the terror, the hunger, the cold, everpresent embracing your feet, climbing steady to the thighs, to the back swirling upward to the shoulders to the neck, nesting inside the head, inside the mind and it never leaves, it never leaves... tack, tack, all the way to the wall, counting the cracks, counting the steps, counting my breaths, steady, keep the rhythm, just walk and walk and hope that perhaps they won't see you try to look up the window, to see the clouds, the trees, the children, just for a split second with the corner of your eye and keep them there, tucked in, precious jewels and it'll all be worth it, don't think of the canes, don't think of the fists, there is no pain, there is no pain... do not hit me again please, please, IT HURTS, PLEASE!...

Yesterday I didn't laugh so tomorrow I won't laugh either. Yesterday I had some chocolate, perhaps today...

NO! I'm not thinking about that! Don't think about that!

Today I tried to cry, perhaps the day after tomorrow I'll weep myself to sleep, embracing my tired, naked body, slowly drifting, drifting.

...please let me sleep, just let me sleep for an hour, for a minute, please let me sleep, please let me die, broken puppet on the dirty floor among the rats, among the filth, among the many tears shed by others much like me that walked and walked and walked, tack, tack, neverending footsteps, always toward the wall, always watching the watchers, always fitting the space between the today and yesterday and tomorrow and the day before and... just lie there for that second between the time your head hits the stones with a heavy thump and the time they come pick you up and then throw cold water, cold water on your numb, lifeless limbs... lie there and put your palm down, fit your fingers on the stone, like the others before you and feel their pain as they waited to be picked up, just like yourself, feel the prick on your heels, feel the bone-shards stuck there as you tack, tack, marched on the edge to the wall, to the wall...

Time forever swings, tears your mind apart, maybe tomorrow you'll wake up yesterday, or maybe the day after tomorrow or maybe never, maybe never. Tack, tack...

Or MAYBE, just maybe, tomorrow I'll wake up tomorrow and the kids will laugh and run and it'll be cold and warm and it'll rain and I'll eat some chocolate, tons of chocolate with milk and nuts and raisins... Tomorrow, I'll wake up and I'll have my time back, give me back my time, give me back my time, give me back my time...

Ah...

cruise (January 14th, 2003, 9:29 pm)

Maybe I missed the comment on dA, but reading your comments here it makes a lot more sense now :P

I love this...wonderfully atmospheric, conveying the monotony incredibly well, without actually being monotonous.

See...all the best writers belong to Transference :P

hehe

Siedhr (January 14th, 2003, 11:33 pm)

you shameless flaterer! I love being here, truth be told, it's small(for now), friendly community.

and if by comment, you mean description, it was on DA, i copy/pasted from there.

Hmmm

Darkpsiozzy (January 19th, 2003, 8:49 pm)

Awsome. Its a very emotional piece and psychologically mind racking. I would normally comment on the run-on sentences, but it makes sense in the piece, as you are probably trying to portray her running thoughts. Its even more frightening, that such disregard for human life has occured, especially in this era of human evolution.

I also must comment on the style of your writing, which is incredibly, capturing. Not only did you successful create the setting that the character was in, you successfully created both the character and her psychological torment. A Very enjoyable piece, yet very sad at the same time.

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