read / discuss / question

Links / Related: Bibliophil / Cool: Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine

Login:    Password:      Don't have a username? Register!

Dancing in the Ashes

classifications: Philosophical / Dramatic / Steampunk

Finally, something short! This was a free-write session that actually came out quite nice. I was running on a high of The Prophecy movies and was feeling very 'angelic'. If you can guess who the narrator is, then you're a super-dweeb like me! I have no idea what Steampunk is but I'm putting this under it because I think Steampunk is a mix of modern and fantasy if I'm guessing correcty. Semi's not the only one who can do overdramatic dark stuff^_^

More like this / More by this author

Can You See Me?

If you can, you think you see me. But all of it is an illusion, my friend. I am not as I was aeons ago, when the stars were born. You see me like you are now, a frail and fragile construction of the earth, a being molded of clay. Heheh, but look into my eyes, my friend, look deep, you'll see the spinning of the Light, the core of creation. Through these eyes I have gazed upon the walls of Carthhage as they fell. I have witnessed the enthralling darkness of a world without God's Light. I stood at the top and watched Babel fall as those impotent sons tried to build a tower to our Heaven.

Ah, but I digress. I undermine. Really, I meant no disrespect. If we're going to share a mutual understanding, you must know where I came from. Obviously I am not of Kansas or Georgia. Let me put it this way, when your kind was barely above the scratching and flea-picking ape, my kind was sent down to watch over you. We were the first sinners of the Holy Host, the Watchers. I and my brethren fell to the temptation of this mortal coil. Shakespeare said it best.."Oh, how art the mighty fallen!" We bore children, mighty individuals that walked the earth and made us proud and terrible. The world trembled at our magnificence!!! Our children were rulers among men.

Oh, the good ol days of yore. Forgive an old one for his ramblings. That was not the end of us. There's more to the tale, though I've wished for centuries that there weren't. The man upstairs called our number, the jig was up. We were torn from the earth and our children, from the constructs of clay that had led us into temptation. From on High the mighty Seraphim spat on us in our prison in the lowest level of Heaven. We watched in utter torment as our children were slaughtered in that terrible period of 40 days and 40 nights. Timeless periods, ages upon ages, we languished there, trapped in the prison of our own screaming madness. Finally I got tired of it all. What more was there left to lose? Our children were dead.

I was wrong.

I broke the chains of my prison and walked the world once again!! I will not trouble you with the fine details, for hearing them you may well be damned. But what was my payment for disobeying my boon??

HAH! You ask when you know the answer. I'm sitting here before you, flesh, even as you are. But different, worse, I've gotten to see the rise and fall of monarchs, including the Messiah. And yet..I'm still here, a Watcher once again, only I'm being watched too. Every day, every minute, every second, I'm watched as I am forced to watch you, endlessly. And I know I will be forced to watch as the cities burn and the angels dance upon your ashes. Glory be! That victorious day will come when I will be free once again!!! I don't know when He will free me. Only time will tell, I suppose...only time will tell...the clock is ticking, my friend, ticking towards oblivion.

What's my name, you ask? Well, I've had plenty of them....Attila was one of my more 'urban' names. That's back when I was a bit more 'civil'.

Hmm...but you can call me Sala. That's a short name by the way. I'll see you again sometime...just like I'll see everyone else before the world ends.

Kick the tires and light the fires! I'm ready and waiting to dance!!

doesn't seem dark enough

Narainsbrain (June 28th, 2002, 6:15 am)

there are bits in there that seem too colloquial, casual, like the "Heheh" near the beginning, and "The man upstairs called our number". now, that could've been a very interesting style for something dark like this, except the majority of it is in the expected haughtily sinister style, and the casual bits just break it up.

another thing, try not to use double punctuation marks like this!! =p use three dots for ellipses... and leave a space after them.

that's it...

cruise (June 28th, 2002, 10:48 am)

Thank you, put your finger on exactly what was bugging me...

It's as if the style can't make up it's mind whether to be dark and sinister, or casually never quite get the "casually sinister" effect I think you were going for.

oh, and "...though I've wished for centuries that there weren't." Wasn't. Or preferably, was not.

Right, now the nit-picking is out of the way...I like this :P It's a novel viewpoint and the vagueness grabs the interest. It's not steampunk, though. Steampunk is like cyberpunk, but moved to sort of Jules Verne style tech/time-period. This is more dark fantasy. :P

that's it...

Eldritch (June 28th, 2002, 12:34 pm)

SO, the Narrator is Lucifer(Satan,the Dveil),right?

that's it...

Eldritch (June 28th, 2002, 12:36 pm)

If I inferred correctly...

Good Guess

Angelas (June 28th, 2002, 3:44 pm)

EVERYBODY Guesses him. But no, that's not who it is^_^ It's someone a bit more obscure. He gives it away when he says he was one of The Watchers and his short name is Sala. Those are the biggest hints. I'll let a couple other people try before I tell.


Angelas (June 28th, 2002, 3:47 pm)

Hmm...the laugh in the middle, the other coloquialisms, and 'weren't' are MEANT to be there to show he's been living among humanity long enough to learn bad english and use 'freindly' terms. He IS trying to be freindly, but he's also haughty at the same time. Sala's built up alot of angst over the centuries. I do recognize the grammar complaints, I've gotten the same complaints on some other stories where I use two dots in an ellipses instead of three and using too many exclamation points. This one is short enough to fix though, so I'll go back and fix the grammar for you knit-pickers. guys keep spelling that wrong^_~

Register to post.