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Alternative Fairy Tales - Goldilocks

cruise
classifications: Fantasy / Humourous

My girlfriend, in a fit of silliness, decided to ask for a bedtime story...this was the result :P

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Once upon a time, there lived a young girl, known to everyone as Goldilocks.

That was not her real name, of course, that would be a silly name to call your daughter, but it was the name she had acquired in her as yet short life. The reasons for this curious nickname were twofold. One, she had long, flowing blonde hair, and two, she was extremely good at gaining entry to secured, or locked, places and things.

Being a particularly greedy maiden, she employed this talent on a regular basis, looting and robbing the poor folk who lived nearby with nary a care nor thought.

One fine, summer day, as she strolled through the woods near her housing estate, Armani jeans rustling ever so slightly as she walked, she happened upon a house that she did not recognise.

"Curious," she thought to her self, "I wonder who it belongs to? I hope there's a lot of expensive stuff to nick."

Within a few short moments she had persuaded the front door to permit her entry, and glanced quickly around the room with an experienced eye. It was an odd house, the furniture unusual shapes and sizes, the doorways uncommonly large. Again she wondered who could own such a bizarre residence, tucked away so neatly in the woods.

Little did she realise the owners were a family of bears. Naturally, these were smarter than your average bear, quite a bit smarter in fact, having mastered the art of reading, writing and speaking, and even basic mathematics and algebra. In fact, you wouldn't be far wrong in saying they were smarter than the average schoolkid these days, but that is a discussion for another time.

You may well ask how three bears, gifted as they were, could afford to own a house. They were actors, or, to be more precise, stunt-bears. Daddy bear had started his career long ago as a stunt double on Gentle Ben, and his family followed his career choice. Though the market for stunt-bears was relatively small, the quantity of bears capable of filling the role was even smaller, so they never were long without work.

Enough of the bears for now, we shall meet them soon enough. Let us return and see what this wayward youth is doing. Well, the cutlery drawers are empty, there's an empty space where a DVD player once rested, and if I'm not mistaken, the dust-free rectangle on the sideboard was once the location of a stereo system. Goldilocks is rather good at what she does, isn't she?

After all the carrying of heavy electrical equipment back and forth, Goldilocks started to feel a little hungry. Just then, she spied three bowls of porridge sitting contentedly on the kitchen table, slowly cooling. Why the bears would cook their breakfast, and then leave it to go cold, I have no idea. Perhaps they preferred their porridge cold. Where bears are concerned, it's probably best not to question their tastes too much, and leave them be. You wouldn't want to make them angry, would you?

Goldilocks, of course, did not realise that the porridge belonged to the bears, but even had she known, it would not matter. So she sat herself down, choosing the biggest bowl first, as the insatiable hooligan she was, and began to shovel the porridge into her hungry maw. She didn't really much like this porridge, but she wasn't about to let food, good or not, go to waste (by which she meant, be eaten by someone else), so she kept eating, and eating.

After that, she moved onto the second bowl, not quite as large, but still substantial. How she managed to fit all this food into her stomach is a mystery, but fit it she did. This serving was not to her liking much either, but again, it was there for the taking, and so she took.

Finally, only the last, and smallest helping of porridge remained, for which she was grateful, as Goldilocks was starting to feel the effects of being so greedy. This porridge was lovely, however, and so she made herself finish every last oat and drop of milk.

By now, she could hardly walk, and was certainly in no state to try carrying what she had acquired home.

"I'll just have a little nap," she thought, "just enough to let all this settle. Obviously whoever lives here is out at work, so they won't be back for hours yet."

Actors, and stunt-bears too, don't work regular hours, though, and so Goldilocks was in for quite the surprise. She went upstairs, and laid down in the first bed she found. Goldilocks just couldn't get comfortable, however, as there was such a large dent in the mattress, like a very fat person slept on it.

Muttering obscenities under her breath, she waddled her bloated belly across to the next bed, and tried to settle down. Again, the mattress felt like some huge animal had bedded down on it for the night, and was totally the wrong size and shape.

Something about lard, asses and reproduction escaped her lips as she set off for the third, and again, smallest, bed.

She sighed blissfully as she curled up on it, finally finding a resting place she could sleep on. Within moments, she was fast asleep, a tiny smile of cruel contentment upon her face.

Only fifteen minutes later, the bears returned home the day's session of motion capture for Monsters, Inc., tired out from all the running and moving they had done.

"I'm really looking forward to that porridge now," Daddy Bear growled, and Baby Bear added, "Hell yeah. I'm starving."

When they discovered the front door unlocked, however, they were mightily shcoked.

"Some little bastard's broken in," said Mummy Bear.

Daddy Bear nodded. "Looks like it," he said, "we'd better see what the damage is."

They quickly went in, and each checked a room downstairs to see what had been taken.

"They took the DVD player!" Daddy Bear roared.

"And the stereo!" Baby Bear cried.

Mummy Bear came back from the kitchen. "I'll tell you something, they're cheeky thieves too. Not only did they grab all my cutlery, they ate all our damn porridge too."

"All of it?"

"All of it."

"I'll rip 'em limb from limb."

"Calm down dear. You remember the trouble that caused when you did that to the parking warden."

"Well, he shouldn't have given me the ticket. I was only there five minutes."

"Yes, yes." Mummy Bear made a placating gesture with her paw. "Has anyone looked upstairs yet?"

The other two bears shook their head, and so up the stairs the three of them went.

"Nothing seems to be missing from our bedroom," Daddy Bear said, "but it looks like the cocky sods had a nap in our beds. Whoever they are, they're complete assholes."

Baby bear ran on ahead to his room, and peeked in.

"What the...?" he gasped in amazement. His parents hurried over to him quickly.

"What is it dear? What have they taken?" Mummy Bear asked in a worried voice.

Baby Bear just pointed in astonishment. There, still curled up fast asleep, was Goldilocks, snoring off her enourmous meal.

Well, that was too much for the already pissed off bears. Daddy Bear gave the most enourmous roar you have ever heard in your life, and grabbed Goldilocks from the bed in his gigantic forepaws.

This, of course, was enough to finally wake Goldilocks up, and when she opened her eyes and found herself face to muzzle with an extremely angry bear, she screamed so hard that Daddy Bear was quite taken aback, and completely forgot to pull her arms off, as he had been intending to do.

Mummy Bear placed one large paw over Goldilocks mouth, to shut off the awful noise.

"Shall I phone the police?" she suggested. Goldilocks didn't seem to like that idea much either, but it was better than being eaten.

The police were very happy when they arrived, as the mysterious burglaries had looked very bad on their report sheets. They searched around, and found everything Goldilocks had stolen from the Three Bears, and found lots more things she had taken from everyone else, all stashed back at her house.

Goldilocks was taken away, and the last the bears heard, she was serving a lot of time in a prison far, far away, and was never seen again, so everyone (else) lived happily ever after...

Star (December 10th, 2002, 5:51 pm)

Not as accurate as I remember, but sweet that you still put it in.

I do declare it was not a fit of silliness but merely a time of despair, you see if I was in a fit of silliness why would I care.

I think you should work on Hansel and Grettle for next time.

Well,

cruise (December 12th, 2002, 4:59 pm)

Obviously I refined it a little from the original...

And I still say it was silly :P

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